Figuring shit out

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 16:59:34 GMT

So, yesterday M asked me if I wanted to go with her to Attleboro for a fitting for a potential job. I of couse said yes instantly. I get to spend some time with her which happens so rarely nowadays and I get to get out of the house. Woohoo double bonus. She called me later and told me that K was going to come too. Now, I know I was having a bad day yesterday, but that upset me even more. I spent the night thinking about it and here is what I have come up with. It's not that I don't want K to go or even that I don't want to see her, because on both counts I do. I guess I was just hoping that after a day like yesterday I would get some alone time with M. K and I have really drifted apart over the last year and I just don't want to talk in front of her. In all of my analyzing I decided that it didn't matter and I would of course go because this is such a big thing for M. And really I would like to make an attempt to bridge the gap between me and K. But I can't do that without her help.

In thinking about all that I realized part of my depression. I lost my fuck friend to my best friend and by best friend to my fuck friend. And I did it to myself totally. I am sooooo happy that M and M (lol) have found happiness together, but where did that leave me? There is no doubt in my mind that M loves me today just as much as she did before him, but that doesn't change the fact that I see her much less often now and 80-90% of the time there are other people with us. So, our relationship has changed huge. Then add in the fact that I'm not getting any cause I don't have another ff. Geez. Who can blame me for being down??

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Figuring shit out